On top of us the sky was starting to become that color most people only see in travel ads. We were covered by this magical dome painted in different shades of blue, embellished with clouds that looked like cotton candy; the same kind I was eating while he was working really hard to win one of those gigantic stuffed animals I always wished I had, but never could before that.
He was wearing one of those jean vests with the sleeves cut out and under that, a white cotton tank top that revealed the first of a long list of tattoos he wouldn’t stop saying he would get one day.
I remember taking a piece of the cotton candy and putting it inside my mouth and thinking he looked like James Dean. I don’t think I knew who James Dean was at that time. I just had heard a lot of women talking about handsome, sexy, intoxicating men and saying they looked like James Dean. So, to me, that’s what that name meant.
I don’t know if it was the sugar in my blood, but I wasn’t only eating a cloud, I was riding one as he kept knocking down plastic bottles with a baseball.
When I asked him why he picked a panda bear as a prize, he answered:
“People think of them as only cute, which it’s true, but they’re also dangerous and intelligent. Just like you”.
I blushed and kissed him over the head of the panda.
We raced each other to the carousel and I won.
“Well…. I am carrying a panda bear on my back”, he tried to explain.
I pushed him just a bit and gave the carousel man our tickets. I remembered I had to give him 3.
Me. Him. The panda. All of us went for a ride. He tried to stand on the horse, while our stuffed friend could barely remain seated. I almost fell a couple of time because of all the laughter.
We got tired of the horses, so we decided to go shoot some wooden ducks. Our shots seemed to be in perfect sync because every time our rubber bullets hit one of those ugly duckling, we made music.
Bang…
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
BangBangBangBangBang…
BANG!
And mission accomplished. This time we didn’t win any endangered species lookalike. This time we each got a caramel apple. I remember some of the candy stayed on my teeth after I took the first bite and he cleaned it with his tongue.
He took my hand and led me to “The Love Tunnel”, one of those rides in which you “sail” with a mechanical boat over a pond no deeper than 1 meter, while you listen to corny songs and make out with whoever you are with. I remember we had to keep an eye on how long we kissed. The ride had some tracks that were outdoors and we didn’t want to scar any kids. It was actually really exciting having to be careful. It made those minutes inside be worth so much more. We had to make the most out of them.
When our boat stopped, he said he wanted something more dangerous, so we took our panda bear and went to the flying chairs. They hanged really high and I wasn’t sure to go for it, but he grabbed my hand and said:
“Don’t worry. I’ve got you” and winked at me.
I got on my chair first and made sure to fasten my seatbelt very well. I asked him to do the same thing with the bear, which we decided to take with us again. I didn’t want it to fly away and get lost among the crowed fair. He made a joke about pandas having an incredible sense of orientation and I just stuck my tongue out at him. He finished and sat on the chair next to me.
“Are you ready?” he asked. I nodded and closed my eyes as we started to spin.
I had nothing to worry about. To be completely honest, you just sit there and go around in circles. True, you do that several meters above the ground, but once you get used to the feeling, there’s nothing else much to it.
I thought the seats were empty because everybody was scared of the ride. It was actually because everyone found it boring.
We were admiring the view when I noticed something was wrong with our panda bear sitting in the row in front of us. It was starting to slip. I looked at him and shouted:
“ARE YOU SURE YOU FASTENED THE SEATBELT TIGHT ENOUGH?”.
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I’M FINE”
“NOT YOU. THE BEAR”
He didn’t have to answer. I saw one of the belt straps fall to a side. The stuffed bear was on its own. I could still see the top of its head sticking out the back of the seat, so in my mind if I swung forward, I could grab it, pull it and bring it to me to keep it safe. All that while moving over 50 km/h.
I started moving my legs trying to push my upper body towards the chair in front of me. I did it harder every time, but he didn’t notice until my seat flipped over and I started spinning with my head down. I’m guessing he turned to look at me but just found my feet. He pulled one of them down and I returned to the usual position.
“WHAT THE HELL?”
“THE BEAR!!!”
“THE BEAR IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT”
That filled me up with anger, which kept growing as I saw him chuckle at the whole situation. I looked away from him and tried to reach the bear’s head with my hands, trying to be more careful this time. He tried to stop me several times but I kept going, until instead of grabbing the panda, I knocked it down.
It started falling and I felt my heart drop. I thought I would start crying, but one of the threads on the bear’s tail got tangled in a piece of metal on the chair and for the rest of the ride, it just hanged there looking like it was flying.
The chairs finally stopped. I unfastened my seatbelt but didn’t get off. I didn’t know what to do as soon as I took the first step down. I saw him walk towards the bear and untangle the tail off what turned out to be a rusty screw.
“Well… good thing it was only a bear. Imagine if someone else had sat there. They’d be looking at a gangrened summer”, he smiled and moved the panda towards me, making it dance.
I suddenly knew what to do. I pushed him really hard, took the bear and started walking away from him. There I was, all red in the face, breathing heavily, stamping my feet as hard as I could as I walked, carrying a stuffed panda bear on my right arm.
I knew how people were looking at me, but didn’t care. All I could think about was his stupid laughter as I was trying to catch the toy he had won for me; the one piece of silliness I wanted to own and that it was so obvious he didn’t care about.
I must have walked all the way across the fair because I started to feel very tired. Maybe it was the adrenaline slowly leaving my body but I just needed to sit down so, I did.
I was looking at some kids chasing after soap bubbles when all of the sudden a very big chocolate heart on a stick got into my field of vision. I looked up and I saw him, with his eyes down like a little puppy dog and mouthing “I’m sorry”.
I turned to the opposite direction and crossed my arms. He sat next to me and started tapping on my shoulder. I ignored him. He then took the bear and held the piece of chocolate on top of its chest. He started making heartbeat sounds and moving the chocolate accordingly.
“God. That was a crazy ride. My heart is literally beating out of my chest”, he said making that childish voice people give inanimate creatures.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head no.
He faced the bear, frowned and said in his normal voice:
“I don’t know what to do about that, buddy. But to be honest, more than a heart, you need a butt”
He turned the heart upside-down and placed it on the bear’s tail.
“Now we’re talking”, he said while nodding and moving his eyebrows up and down.
I couldn’t help but smile. So did he.
He put his hand on top of mine and I squeezed it just to let him know that we were ok. He interlaced his fingers with mine and pulled me closer to him.
“Ok. Just one more ride. I’ll make it worth it”
I smiled.
He took me to The Steel Dragonfly, the fastest rollercoaster our state had ever seen. I finished the last bites of the chocolate heart as quickly as I could so that we could get in line before more people started to arrive. We decided to leave the bear down this time. It had proven not to be suitable for those sorts of things. We both put our hands on the handlebars and we started moving.
This one had all the excitement the flying chairs lacked. We were moving so fast that everything around us was just a blur; the wind blew my hair in all directions and the cart flipped over and took extremely dangerous but fun curves. I was loving it.
That was until I wasn’t.
I started to feel a little funny when we were on our fourth lap. I thought it was just that vacuum sensation you get when you are dropped from very high, but it continued even when we were moving on straight rails.
I closed my eyes to stop the dizziness and it helped a bit, but the movement kept stirring my stomach.
I took his hand very tight and that’s when I realized the difference of body temperatures. His touch was warm; mine, ice cold. He must have noticed too because he didn’t let go.
I just wanted the whole thing to be over either because of the ride stopping or because of me fainting. The latter wasn’t necessary. We started slowing down and then we weren’t moving anymore. We got off and my legs were a little shaky. We got our panda bear back and I really thought I would make it, but after a few meters I just threw up like I had never done before, and like I’ve never done since.
It was a rainbow made up of cotton candy, caramel-covered apple and chunks of marbling chocolate heart. If it hadn’t come out with that awful smell, I would have even thought it was beautiful.
He held my hair back and told everyone who stopped and stared to fuck off. He rubbed my back and wiped my mouth when I was finally done. He took my hand and drove me back home.
He pulled over right in front of my house and all I could say was thanks and how sorry I was.
“Hey, don’t apologize to me. Do it to the poor guy who’s gonna have to clean it up”, he joked.
I smiled timidly and he grabbed my chin and turned my face towards him.
“Don’t worry about it. I still think you are cute”.
He leaned forward as to kiss me but I pulled back. I didn’t want him to associate the taste of puke to my lips. He understood and kissed my forehead instead.
I took the bear from the back seat and got out. As I reached the door I turned around and waved good-bye. He did the same and waited for me to get inside to drive away.
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We saw each other just a few more times that summer. It had nothing to do with me throwing up in the middle of the town’s fair. It was just life, I guess.
He got a part time job at a donut shop at the mall. I had soccer practice.
He went to pick me up some days, but most of the times me and my friends wanted to have girl’s night outs, especially after a game. So eventually he stopped.
I never went to visit him at work. I’ve never liked donuts.
I guess it happened just like that day at the carnival. All the excitement, the speed, the sweetness was great until it became too much and we had to puke.
I gave the panda away to charity that December. He was right after all. The bear wasn’t that important.
I do hope whatever kid got it for Christmas had all the fun Stephen… or Steven (I’m not quite sure if it was spelled with a “v” or “ph”) … and I had, not only that day but all the times before and the few occasions afterwards. Because we did. We laughed, we played, we loved. We just didn’t last.
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